I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
