i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
