so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
