that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
