I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
