You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
