I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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