I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
