John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
