Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
