I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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