Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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