but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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