if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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