woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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