i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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