I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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