I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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