Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Randomize
