i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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