I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
