and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I smell like Dick and happiness
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
