i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
and she was petting her beer can
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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