I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
