I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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