this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
