look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
