My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
