Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
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