Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
