You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
