Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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