Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
