I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
