i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
