Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I didn't notice because vodka
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
