cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
