how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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