I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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