I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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