Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
