I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
