I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
she told me i tasted like america
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
