so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
