just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
