I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
