You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Randomize
