My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
