I am in a vortex of obligation.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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