If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
