how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today