We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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