I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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