How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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