I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
