Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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