Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
