i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
