My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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