at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
