my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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