and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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