Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
