we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
